Did I pick my battle right?

In this season of witches and monsters, I cannot help going for a somewhat childish comparison between me and Frodo Baggins or Harry Potter. At some level, I feel a bit like them, victims of fate, consumed by an abstract weight that is impossible to shake off. Although I put on a good face, deep down, I have always been a bit depressed and never quite as dynamic or motivated as I knew I could be – and wanted to be. I feel held back. Early on, I put the blame on my sister.

Maybe only women with a single sister can understand the far-reaching love-hate relationship that can develop between two sisters. Growing up, my older sister was at once my model and my nemesis. On the one hand, she was older, more experienced, thinner and cooler, on the other hand, she was borderline insane, alcoholic, a soft-drugs abuser, self-obsessed, destructive, violent, sadistic, anorexic/bulimic, sexually unhealthy and dirty. Her favorite pass-time has always been playing with your mind, manipulating, leaching off of you and then making you feel like shit. And if that did not satisfy her, she would try to suffocate you or drown you, or at best, hit you. Unsurprisingly, I have come to associate her with the embodiment of pure evil – if such a thing were possible. And the fact that, as her sister, I notice points of resemblance between us has always brought me a lot of pain, even made me live in self-hate and self-doubt.

"Am I like her?" is a question that continues to plague me, to the point that it remains the essential reason why I must rationalize everything that happens to me and distance myself from anything even remotely close to her. You might say I have constructed myself in opposition to her. And as such, the insanity of what I have been experiencing throughout my therapeutic work is particularly tough on me. To name but one manifestation I have been wrestling with, during my first series of liver flushes, I have had words come to my mind in the form of what I can only refer to as magic spells. I could call them verses, or sequences of sentences in the form of poem-sounding short texts. It would make them more acceptable. But it would not quite capture their essence. Because, judging by their content, they were more than just metaphoric descriptions or noble expressions. They were strong intentions, negative projections, condensed into easy-to-remember rhymes and I have a full box of them.

At face value, if you approach them from a Westerner's point of view, they make no sense. But if you consider that countless cultures believe in – and are quite scared of – magic, they take on new meaning. And, beyond this, if you think of how hypnosis or subliminal messaging works, you start wondering whether they are not all basically one and the same thing. Similarly, if you turn to quantum physics or Chinese medicine, which have shown that intentions can condition environments and people, you start asking yourself what happens when those intentions are negative. Jean-Pierre Garnier Mallet in his interview with Tystria on Le dédoublement du temps (the doubling of time) talks of 'potentials'. According to him, we are continuously putting potentials (or possibilities) out there which can be appropriated by anyone, yourself included. His conclusion is that we should better make sure these potentials are positive. But what if they are not? The point is: from the moment we accept the power of intention as a curative force, should not we consider it might also have a darker side?

This darkness is one of my sister's favorite topics of course. She has been obsessed with witchcraft and dabbling in magic for as long as I can remember, reading books, preparing spells, burning bits of paper in the fireplace, and what not. She is genuinely convinced by the power of her intentions. And because I am so close to her, the pressing question in the back of my mind has always been: what awful potentials or intentions has she been putting out there for me? And what if these negative intentions can make you ill? Is not that the true danger of living in close proximity to a toxic person: how they affect you? The thing is, I have not grown up in environments that believe in the power of intention, or in potentials, let alone evil or magic, so my instinct is to shoo these ideas off quite and ask whether it is not exactly the other way around. What if the leaches pumping my energy, making me sick, twisting my eating habits and playing with my mind, are in fact physical, and nothing but? What if the origin of my problems is chemical instead of energetic, psychological or emotional?

Like I mentioned in my previous post, a good many of us suffer from parasites. I am an example of sorts, and have been trying to rid myself of their nests for many years now. This commercial site eloquently reviews some of the more common ones: http://artofdetox.com/parasites The awful thing about them, besides their perniciousness and perseverance, is that they release countless toxins in your body, ranging from histamine, to ammonia to morphine, making you weaker by the day, not just because they steal your food but also because they want to keep you tame. This is probably all good and well when they are not present in abundance. But it is a different story when the balance tips in the wrong direction. Some of the symptoms I have noted in myself that could be associated with their toxins are loss of energy, depression, dilated pupils, constipation and massive headaches.

And these are just the noticeable symptoms. There are millions of parasites out there, they are difficult to detect and some of them are quite harmful to your organs. Additionally, who knows how they affect your mind? What if their chemicals make us delusional? And since they are hereditary, maybe they are the reason why my sister is an erratic, border-line schizophrenic. Or maybe they explain why I have always felt there was something off with me; like I was floating under water; like I could never quite trust myself. Because, at the end of the day, that is the really disturbing thing about them – whatever their provenance: they interfere with who you are, influence your choices and your behavior. Just look at how the liver fluke leads entire ant colonies to commit suicide in order to transfer to a bigger host like the cow! Freaky.

The good news is that be it ill-intentions, magic, parasites or something else entirely, life provides cures for all of them. It is up to us to pick which battle we fight first. But I am not deluding myself: some of us just might need to fight them all. A lot of patience might be in order.

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